Peter Dolving - Insomnia

the Haunted's Peter Dolving blog

"Another night of raging fear. But not this time around. Not anymore. That instiable hunger inside. The constant provocation of anyone at any time. The closer, the crueler and more irratic. Clueless to the implications of my malfunctioning personality. Pushing myself further into the things I fear. Living inside the consequences. The warzone. A DMZ of a war I was never a part of. Never a thought of my own irrational behaviour. All the strange late night sudden compulsive obsessions. Driving me on. In to night time walks through the darkness. Pushing past strangers. Crashing through innocent drunkards and likeminded alienees. Imitating the twisted shadows of what I thought would make me stronger. Harder. Grinding myself down while casting the blame on a world I knew nothing of. The lifetime of misfires and false starts. 25 years of pointless draining, shaming and breaking myself to make myself hard enough. To endure. To take the pain. Practicing the fine art of selfannihilation in a vain attempt of proving myself. Embracing selfhatred like some ghostly twin fetal residue inside myself. The mornings of loathing my own reflection. The twilight zone of illusive selfdeceit.

"Crawling through life were others simply walk.

"It was endless. My refusal to accept my own worth as a human being.

"It was me.

"It was always me. I just couldn't see it.

[...]


"Yep. I am an obsessive addict, a raging animal machine. But I'm clean. I'm sober, today. Madly in love with the very things I regarded my natural birth right when I was just a boy.

"I do have the right to live.

"I have a right to be strong.

"I have a right be as intense as I can be. A living fire.

"I am alive.

"And at the centre of that, I found peace.

"No longer a void. I remember: I was loved. Love made me, not fear. Not hatred nor distain nor indifference. Love.

"I know love. I know what love is, I just forgot for a while. I'll be fine..."